Apparently, it has been one month since I last blogged. People have actually checked on me because I ghosted. Time is a funny thing. For me, it seems to move both fast and slow. Strange… I know.
I look back on this past month and sure there are a few highlights. I saw Stars on Ice with my favorite ice skaters such as Meryl Davis, Charlie White, and Adam Rippon. Being a lover of the theater, I finally saw the musical “Love Never Dies”, which is the lesser known sequel of the musical “The Phantom of the Opera” by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. I just keep checking things off my bucket list.
My boyfriend and I celebrated 4 years of dating by going to a small Danish town called Solvang with our dogs. It was a fun little adventure. We even spontaneously went to see Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch, well at least the gate.
I FINALLY planted some petunias in my flower bed. It’s my first ever attempt at gardening, and I definitely don’t have a green thumb. While gardening is therapeutic, its also very hard on my body, but totally worth it.
I don’t know why I stopped blogging. I just feel so blah and disinterested in activities I once loved. Well and there is also a lack of energy. I sound like a broken record. I have become socially isolated, except for my dogs and boyfriend and occasional family visits. I feel like a recluse…never knowing if I will start feeling horrible when I leave the safety of my home. Crazy – I know. I cannot even commit to going to the many doctors appointments because I just need a time out from life. Treatment options have lead to dead ends. I feel like I fail people when I don’t want to try the lotions, potions, and drugs to numb the pain or miraculously heal. You have to understand I have practically been a lab rat experiment for all of my life between childhood epilepsy and everything I have now. My doctor wants me to go to a series of depression classes and while I know it may help, it’s just so hard because people look at you differently like you are some crazy person who is damaged goods. Maybe its just me. I am sick of being asked if I have thoughts of suicide. For the millionth and one time…NO. Yes, I get it – they have to ask because its their job, but it just sucks for lack of a better word.
I am searching for a purpose in this world. I am constantly told to do this or do that or apply for this job or take this or go to this class – its so overwhelming when people look at you and think you aren’t trying. Trust me – I wish I could go back to Entertainment at Disney. I feel like I am shouting at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me. Or I am just a broken record who won’t stop talking about my condition. People are put off and don’t understand so its easier to keep their distance. I guess I get it, but it is still hard. I have trouble maintaining relationships let alone making new friends.. I yearn for those friendships. Humans need contact with others to survive. I have been turning to music as an escape. I absolutely love the music from a musical called “Dear Evan Hansen”. The lyrics speak what I have trouble articulating about my feelings. Here are some song lyrics:
“You Will Be Found”
Have you ever felt like nobody was there
Have you felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere
Have you ever felt like you could disappear
Like you could fall and no one would hear
Well, let that lonely feeling wash away
Maybe there’s a reason to believe you’ll be okay
Cause when you don’t feel strong enough to stand
You can reach, reach out your hand
And oh, someone will come running
And I know they’ll take you home
Even when the dark comes crashing through
When you need a friend to carry you
And when you’re broken on the ground
You will be found
So let the sun come streaming in
Cause you’ll reach up and you’ll rise again
Lift your head and look around
You will be found
Guys like you and me
We’re just the losers
Who keep waiting to be seen, right?
I mean no one seems to care
Or stops to notice that we’re there
So we get lost in the in between
But if you can somehow keep them thinking of me
And make me more than an abandoned memory
Well that means we matter too
It means someone will see that you are there
No one deserves to be forgotten
No one deserves to fade away
No one should come and go
And have no one know he was ever even here
No one deserves to disappear
But even if you’ve always been that
Barely in the background kind of guy
I definitely cannot wait to see this musical!
Anywho…I am trying to work toward a healthier lifestyle. I am cutting out soda completely; cutting down on sugary drinks, fries, sweets etc. Hoping for warmer weather so I can go swimming. I need to start walking more. Here goes nothing.
I am still reading. My mom and I have our own unofficial book club. I will have to share what I have been reading.
I know that this post was all over the place – but that’s how I am feeling. I don’t want to watch life past me by… I want to end this blog on a high-ish note. I am not a victim of this chronic illness…I just see it as a gift because I feel more deeply and see the world differently. I cherish the small, simple moments in life. Sure, I have hit a low point, and I just want to have my own personal pity party down there for a moment. But I will get back up and start fighting/surviving again. I want to be honest with all of you – hoping being vulnerable and sharing my feelings will give you comfort that you are NOT alone. I am who I am – a broken record, unpredictable, a plan canceler (sucks for me too), socially awkward, loyal, kind and chronically fabulous – but I am okay with that. If you are a part of my life, you are guaranteed to have an unpredictable adventure of a lifetime.
I actually joined a chronic illness support group on Facebook and Instagram called “The Unchargeables”, and it has been such a blessing to be a part of a community that understands. They even have a thread where insomnia sufferers can share funny memes at all hours of the night. Absolutely ingenious and perfect. Connection with others is what I need. It is such a sobering thought that these spoonies seek connection too, but they share that loved ones have walked out of their lives because their condition is a burden. I am NOT kidding. It was heart wrenching. They only found solace in others behind a computer screen. I implore you to love others and reach out. A simple hi or smile or short text can make all the difference. I have definitely learned that.
Well I will try not to ghost again but no guarantees. I may be off binging Ghost Adventures or lost in my music or being domestic. Who knows. Ta ta for now…
-The Dramatic Ginger